Eloise in China

Neehow! Here’s the thing of it: I am blogging from China.

Here is what I have been doing in China: everything.

China is rawther cold at the moment, and in fact, it recently snowed in Beijing.

That is the explanation for How Hell Froze Over and I managed to connect to a Virtual Private Network (VPN) and post all this. It is the only possible explanation, as the Chinese Internet Firewall is truly ablaze at the moment.

My younger brother Dan thinks it has something to do with the Lunar New Year celebrations, which continue here. I think it is the total epitome of a dragon spewing fire, which is perhaps exactly the same thing.

Anyway it means that the internet here is rawther hard to reach most of the time.

So meanwhile, I have been out exploring, and saying “Neehow!” to absolutely everyone.

China is the perfect place to visit if you happen to like the color Red. When someone can’t decide what color would be best, in China they absolutely always go with Red.

Red has been The Color here for a rawther long time.

My younger brother Dan says that in his 30 years of visiting and living in China, this is the scariest pair of stone guard dogs he has every come across. They sit outside the offices of the Judicial Court’s daily newspaper in Beijing, which reports on everybody’s criminal activities.

I have to admit that, encountering such a fierce display, even I was ready to confess.

Here is a thing they have a lot of in China:

Decor. It seems to be everywhere.

And ooooooo yes, one might just want to familiarize oneself with the following symbols before arriving here.

That is because these symbols will prove to be extremely influential and important in your life in China:

Nota Very Bene: The one on the right is NOT a slipper.

I have nothing against squat toilets. Which is good, because they are everywhere in China. But what I absolutely do not understand is how anyone ever gets any reading done around here.

This is what it looks like when your VPN won’t connect to the internet:

The green line spins around and around. And around and around. And around and around. Watching it spin is the perfect way to attain a deep, relaxed, semi-conscious meditative state. Should you need to do that. Instead of getting online and finding out if there are any new developments in the world. Around. And around.

When you meet the Famous Actor at the Bejing Opera, it is appropriate to bow a lot. He will still have a lot of his make-up on because he is absolutely in the theatre.

When he arrives on stage, the people in the audience shout “HOW!” This means “GOOD!”

“HOW! HOW! HOW!”

You too can shout “HOW!” enthusiastically.

If you shout “HOW” later in the evening at the Noodle Man at the Hot Pot Restaurant, when he comes to your table to spin some very long noodles, this will make him laugh a great deal.

It was not what he was expecting.

Then a robot may come to your table to deliver your food.

This is not what you were expecting.

The food in China seems to come in a bowl, or on a stick.

But mostly in a bowl. You will decide that all of it is rawther delicious.

Should you find yourself in China during the Lantern Festival part of the Lunar New Year celebrations, it is essential to go see absolutely as many lanterns as possible, even if you have no clue what any of them are. Take pictures. Take lots of pictures. This is important for the auspiciousness of the New Year.

This is the New Year of the Dragon, so it very much goes without saying that there will be Dragons absolutely everywhere.

There are Dragons absolutely everywhere.

Some Dragons are Lanterns. Some Lanterns are Dragons. And that is the main thing you have to know.

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You might even begin to see dragon shapes everywhere.

There are many buildings in China. I know this because I have taken pictures of most of them.

Somebody watches everybody in China.

These are the only guards I decided to take a picture of, as they seemed the least likely to notice, or to stand up and immediately start yelling. There are guards all over the place in China. Most guards stand at attention, fierce and alert! You don’t really want any of those guards to do any yelling.

These guys seemed like they really were not going to get much guarding done today.

Sometimes the signs you see here in China are quite humorous.

When you take the high speed train 700 miles south from Beijing to Suzhou to go see all the beautiful gardens and bridges and canals there, it is most important to get a window seat. You will want to be able to see China at high speed!

Whoosh! You are now in Suzhou.

Then you can sit in the sun in the beautiful Suzhou garden called “The Garden of The Humble Administrator,” which was built in 1506, and gaze at the absolutely lovely pagodas and trees and ponds.

 

The effect of visiting China is rawther extraordinaire.

If you come to China I think you will always be glad you did. You may even decide to go back for Mao.